Is this an existential crisis?
I’ve never really understood what that meant before but I think my blog might be experiencing it – it certainly doesn’t know who it is anymore and is asking the ‘big’ questions. Why am I here? Am I happy? Why do they call small bars of chocolate “fun size” when there’s nothing fun about it.
You know, all the usual stuff.
It feels like it’s been a long time since I wrote an actual blog post – and maybe that’s part of the problem; I’m out of the habit.
But it’s only part of it.
I’ve been busy with other things, such as editing and then (still) re-editing my book, some freelance work, going to the gym more regularly as well as all the house/life stuff.
Even then, there’s something else.
Obviously, I used to write a lot about Freya and motherhood (“life with my sunshine”). As she is now at school for most of the day, my parenting is limited to evenings and weekends but also, she’s growing up.
Writing about her as a baby seemed ok because it was more my story than hers, she was just doing what most babies do. I know she’s just doing what most children do but, somehow, it feels like it’s more her story than mine now.
I’ve talked to Freya about it. She kind of understands blogging, how could she not when I’ve been doing this her whole life? She even pretends to have her own blog and has nominated me official photographer. “This would be a good photo for my blog,” she says, pointing at a pile of toys. I wasn’t really sure how to feel about that at first.
She wants me to keep blogging about her but the conversation went something like:
“What if I’m writing about a time when I think you’re being a bit of a tinker? I’m not sure you’d like that, would you? For everyone to read about it.”
“No, but you just have to write about how good I am.”
That made me chuckle. I could of course write about how good she is, how funny, clever, creative and kind. How she still manages to shock us by some of the things she comes out with or does.
I fear that might get a bit dull after a while.
Plus, it’s only one side of the story. The truth is, I still find this motherhood thing hard work (when will I ever not?). I thought the baby years were difficult but I’m finding five – and especially the attitude that comes with it – equally tough. Maybe it’s because we had such a rough start (with the reflux and intolerances) but I struggle with her screaming and shouting at me. Now it’s temper, rather than pain (although I guess it’s still pain in a way) but it takes me back to the days where I didn’t know how to make it better for her. I still feel like I can’t make it better for her – especially when she’s happy one second and then in a rage fest the next.
I know from speaking to other parents that it’s something they all seem to go through in different degrees. And maybe, because I get to speak to others about it – unlike the baby years when it’s almost taboo to talk about the bad bits – I don’t feel the need to write about it anymore.
As I suggested though, it’s also about her privacy. It doesn’t feel right to write about her.
So where does that leave this blog? That’s what I have been pondering.
I know many parenting bloggers have this exact conversation with themselves. I still want to write it but I’m not sure anyone will want to read it if it’s just book reviews, some travel bits with pretty pictures of butterflies thrown in? Although does that matter? It’s never really been about the numbers for me. It’s lovely when people read and comment but I’m just as happy with one as I am 30. In fact I get a bit worried when more people read it, which I know is silly.
Have you had this issue? I’d love to hear what you decided and why? Am I being daft? As an aside, Mark thinks it’s fine to write about her, he doesn’t have a problem with it.
I guess I just need some help navigating where to go with this. Any advice?