Trigger warning: Pregnancy loss mentioned.
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high
There’s a land that I’ve heard of once in a lullaby.
I’m not sure how it started.
I think, maybe, on one of many sad days following the loss of my first pregnancy, I looked up to see a rainbow and felt…I don’t know, a connection? A little less alone?
When they carried on appearing all the time – I have a phone full of photos of them (although accept maybe I was just noticing them more) – I started to think, Oscar, as we named him, might be sending them.
To me, it felt like he was giving me a sign.
Initially, when I was still plagued with guilt about ending the pregnancy, I thought he was trying to tell me I had done the right thing but, after counselling and nearly five years on, when my head is not as full of him, now they make me smile.
When I see them, I feel love.
While I wish the pregnancy had gone ahead without any complications and I had remained blissfully unaware that things can and do go wrong, some good has come out of it. Not only did the hospital where I was treated alter the way they help mothers dealing with foetal abnormalities after I raised some concerns but, personally, I feel like I’m a better person – certainly more compassionate – as a result of the loss. When I think of him now there is, of course, still sadness but there is also light. A rainbow of light.
And recently the boy has upped his game. Last month I wrote about the “circumzenithal arc” Freya spotted while we were in the park – a rare sort of upside down rainbow. Today there was another rare occurrence, mother-of-pearl clouds (thanks to Merlinda for letting me know what they were) also known as colourful Nacreous clouds, which are usually seen in polar regions.
In the past when I’ve spotted a rainbow in the company of family or friends I have mentioned, almost without thinking, that I believe they are sent to me and, at times, I’ve been given some funny looks or it’s stopped all conversation. As a result I don’t mention it now.
And that’s fine.
I get it, I do.
I know it sounds a little crazy and obviously I know he’s not really in control of rainbows (or clouds). I know he’s not really anywhere. And that they are not just being “sent” to me (thanks to Twitter).
But if it helps me find peace to think that something so bright and beautiful can be connected with an otherwise dark and sad situation where is the harm?
After The Rain 
I’m sure your family and friends understand, they perhaps just don’t know what to say for fear of upsetting you. If rainbows make you feel closer to your son, then what a beautiful way to keep him in your memory.
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Thank you. I’m sure you’re right and I can see that it could be a bit awkward, which is why I don’t say anything anymore. Can’t wait to see what he comes up with next! 🙂
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Actually Tara, I think you could be right, just in the way that people believe that white feathers are sent to them from loved ones. How do we really know? I will think of you and your little one whenever I see one from now on and I will thank Oscar. Lots of love xxx
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Thank you, Lisa. I hope it makes you smile too. And you’re right, how do we really know?
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Such a beautiful thought to think they are being ‘sent’ – it doesn’t sound odd to me at all and anything that brings comfort or love can only be a good thing. I think nature is very powerful and evocative, I am brought back instantly to good or bad times from things like full trees for example; and I think in your case, a rainbow is so very appropriate. The photos are stunning, too, I’m so glad you shared this – for others, for you – and for Oscar x
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Thank you, Yvette. I was in two minds about sharing but then I thought ‘this is why I blog’, hopefully someone can relate 🙂
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I’m sure that Oscar is sending them for you, he certainly pulled all the stops with clouds!
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Stunning! Excellent work, Oscar. Sending lots of love xxx
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Thank you 🙂
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There’s a poem by Mary Oates that is by my bed and getting me through all sorts of hard times at the moment. It’s called Wild Geese and your post made me think of this bit ‘Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,/the world offers itself to your imagination…..’ Whoever or whatever is sending those rainbows, they are yours.
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I’m going to look that poem up because that’s a beautiful line. Thank you, Caz.
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For me it’s a solitary white feather floating in the sky. 🙂
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Beautiful 🙂
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