Anxiety, Failure, Getting old

January 2016 – where my wussiness reaches new levels.

MRITwenty hours of labour with a 10lb 3oz baby the wrong way round and clearly stuck with just a Paracetamol for pain relief? No problem.

You want to inject local anesthetic several times just a millimetre from my eye? I won’t even flinch.

A painless MRI scan? I’ll hyperventilate and then cry like you’ve just told me there won’t be a new series of Poldark.


January seems to be all about appointments so far, including the one I am least looking forward to.

I need an MRI scan on my shoulder on Wednesday to check a large lump is just fat (no reflection on me, according to the nice ultrasound man) or a lipoma, to give it its proper name, and I’m already in a panic.

I had one last year to check my endometriosis but because all they wanted was my tummy I went in feet first so I could see the room if I turned my head  – even then I had to stop the scan mid-way through because I thought I was going to be sick.

This time I’ll be head first. I know that they are doing it for my benefit and I’m lucky that they are taking such good care of me (and that nothing worse is hopefully wrong with me) but it is already causing me nightmares.

Claustrophobia is relatively new to me and whereas it’s not bad enough that I can’t get in a lift, yet, I know that it is bad enough that being trapped in a tiny tunnel is not going to be easy. Apparently even people without claustrophobia sometimes struggle with an MRI, what hope have I got? In fact, I can feel my heart rate increasing just writing about it.

I’ve had all sorts of advice from “just close your eyes” (why didn’t I think of that?) to some breathing techniques I could try. My doctor also offered me drugs but I’m not keen on taking medication when I don’t need it (see labour) and I can’t help but think it would only add to my problems – especially when I need to look after a toddler afterwards.

I also know that there are many people who would happily swap me an MRI for the awfulness they are going through and I’ve tried giving myself a good talking to but it’s just not working.

And I feel stupid.

I really want to go back to not feeling anxious but I don’t know how.

Does anyone have any tips? Or is it just a case of getting on with it?


12 thoughts on “January 2016 – where my wussiness reaches new levels.”

  1. Not something I’d want to do either, and I am also fairly relaxed about meds free labour and local anaesthetic facial surgery (mine was to remove a suspicious thing – I may not have been so brave with needles and eyes). Anyway, on many occasions, including an endoscopy, I’ve relied heavily on breathing – just counting breaths. If your anxiety means that you’re having trouble taking deep breaths then it might help to start with an out breath – slowly breathe out for as long as you can, and you’re more likely to then take a really useful in breath. By focussing on my only role being to keep breathing to a repeated count of 10 I’ve got through all manner of stuff. I hope it all goes smoothly.


  2. Blooming heck Tara. Wishing you well. I wouldn’t dismiss the drugs too quickly, do whatever you need to do to get through it. I know you need to think about looking after Freya afterwards but let other people take the responsibility and look after yourself for a bit. (If you can of course!)
    Wish I could offer helpful advice, but I’ll cross my fingers that it all passes quickly with little trauma for you.
    Oh and needles and eyeballs is grossness indeed. If you can handle that, I have every faith in you. I once watched M having his eye stitched up. *heaves*


      1. Oh no the Radio won’t do it, if it’s anything like the radio here the presenter will say something moronic which will enrage you!!! I hope it’s a quick process, just think afterwards you can play with Freya who is bound to cheer you up with that gorgeous smile!! Good luck!! xxx


  3. I’ve had to have a couple of these, once for my spine when the whole idea of MRI was relatively new and another more recently to rule out that a brain tumour or similar was causing my dizzy migraines. Thankfully all good but it isn’t nice in there. I was already fairly medicated though which no doubt helped..I’m OK till they say “now stay very still” then I want to fidget for England!

    Sorry I’m so behind on commenting, I hope it wasn’t too horrid for you x


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