There I was at a posh party. Keanu Reeves was desperately trying to get me to invest in Bill and Ted 3 – working title “More Most Excellent Adventures” – but I was ignoring him in favour of Jamie Dornan who was looking Fifty Shades of Moody.
I was just about to ask him a probing question (“so what is your favourite shade of grey?”) when someone tugged on my hair.
Bloomin’ Keanu, I thought. Very cross, I turned, only to be head-butted so hard that I saw stars (not the Jamie and Keanu type) and grabbed my nose, sure it must be pouring with blood.
I exclaimed a word from the Bad List and opened my eyes… to see my toddler, illuminated by the strange glow of the night-light, an inch from my face, which she was gently patting (or as gently as a 16-month-old can) and babbling happily to herself now that mummy was finally awake.
Ah, the joys of co-sleeping *.
Before Freya was born I would have said there was NO WAY she would ever end up in my bed – and I was right… because we both sleep on the sofa bed (the mattress is harder) for a good portion of the night.
I resisted for about four months, sitting up in lonely seclusion night after night while her reflux was at its worst but, long past the point of exhaustion, I did what most people do in desperate situations… turned to Google for help. After extensively researching “safe co-sleeping” I tentatively gave it a try. And it saved my sanity (although you might not think so from this post).
But the thing is, while it is obviously right and proper that the main points should be about making sure your child is safe, I personally think there should at least be a line warning you about some of the injuries you might sustain. I’ve been kicked, punched, had clumps of hair pulled out, poked in the eye and had an ear almost pulled off – and that was just today.
But, never fear, as, during one of those many MANY not so gentle pre-dawn wake ups, I came up with an invention that I am pretty sure is going to change the world – or at least the world of co-sleepers.
I give you comfy co-sleeping armour.
Now, essentially, this is supposed to be like a unisex onesie but with strategically placed, toddler safe, padding on the head, neck and extremities. It will come in a variety of nice designs including one that looks like a duvet and pillow in case you want to go camouflaged to see if that helps. My drawing is clearly wildly inaccurate because, as every co-sleeper knows, there is no way you would ever sleep in the middle of the bed or even your half of it. However, it would have been impossible to get across the sheer brilliance of the armour had I depicted the person on their side in the sliver of allocated space with their bum hanging over the edge of the bed.
So, now I have perfected the design, all I need to do is find backing. I’m too much of a wuss to go on Dragons’ Den, plus I don’t exactly have a business plan but maybe I’ll do a spot of crowd funding instead – there must be a good few bruised parents willing to try anything.
Also, if Keanu happens to be reading I would never ignore you and would happily back Bill and Ted 3 because it would be excellent (just like my armour).
* I should add that while I am making light of it here, sleep deprivation and infant reflux are two of the hardest things I have ever had to cope with – far harder than being jabbed in the ribs – but my way of dealing with things is to at least attempt to see some humour in it otherwise I would just cry all the time. And while we came to co-sleeping via the back door of reflux I certainly think it has many benefits, as long as it’s done safely.